did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize