the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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