Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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