oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
