I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
