Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
