Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
