I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
