Already got asked if we're dating
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
