Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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