I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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