A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
