I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
