So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
