Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just blew my weed a kiss
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
