if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
