dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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