your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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