Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
did i just pee glitter
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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