the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
