I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
