I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
