I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize