Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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