I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
