Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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