What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
