a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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