Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
