Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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