I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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