i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
