I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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