So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
