Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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