well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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