remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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