can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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