I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
