I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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