I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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