I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you would pick up someone in the library
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
