It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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