By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
