thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize