i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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