i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
