I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
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If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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