My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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