He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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