you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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